chaotic phoenix

much love and appreciation

2005-05-28T08:53:00.000-04:00

i returned from rome yesterday with a gift in my inbox. someone, an extremely thoughtful someone, sent me the new album by Common called 'Be'. it was an album i was dying to get my hands on but just couldn't rationalize spending £15 ($30) on and it somehow made it's way to me. whoever sent it must've stopped by this site because they sent it to my chaoticphoenixak@gmail.com e-mail address and nobody knows of that e-mail except people who stop by this site.

so, to my extremely generous friend, whom i do not know and who somehow knows me very well since he/she somehow knew i was craving this album, i give you my thanks in ginormous proportions.

much love to you, and appreciation as well.

ode to moms

2005-05-08T13:25:00.000-04:00

POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma,

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

quotes of the day

2005-05-04T09:57:00.000-04:00

"i feel like life is careening recklessly through the extreme left lane, while i desperately wish that it were going slower."

"i need a xanax. or a martini. or both. paging karen walker, i wanna be sedated."

both courtesy of anna

just to hold you over

2005-04-28T09:20:00.000-04:00

land of ire reviewed in two words (both preceded by the phrase 'lots of'):

sheep
alcohol

there just aren't enough hours in the day to express everything i saw, felt, this past weekend (yeah that's cliche as all hell, but you'll eat it up just as well). later tonight i shall be back though because in 12 hours i'll be jetting along under the english channel on my way to the land of love and romance. oh sweet paree.

just call me 'the giving tree'

2005-04-27T10:46:00.000-04:00

see this blog isn't just about me, it's about you as well. see i like to help people, give my two cents, try to make life a bit easier. and so because i'm the generous amazing person, i'm going to give a tip. well, not so much a tip, i guess i don't know what it really is. it's something that someone suggested to me, and so now i'm passing it on to you (in the plural sense, not you specifically, but you're more than free to think you're that special). so i guess you could call it a suggestion. yeah. i'm offering you a suggestion.

inevitably in an interview you will be asked if you have any questions. it's as sure a thing as me eating taco bell (when available of course...damn these english people!). and so, here, right now, i shall bestow upon you the greatest, most wonderful, and awe inspiring (it doesn't really inspire awe) question.

interviewer: so, do you have any questions?

interviewee: why yes as a matter of fact i do. if your company were a person or a car how would you describe it?

:: applause :: (not to be done on the actual interview)

why thank you. you love it do you? why yes, i know, it is quite amazing. i came up with it all by myself (yeah right). so now that i've given you this amazing question to ask that will inspire awe in your interviewer for having just been asked a super-amazing and awe inspiring question feel free to go out and inspire awe!

and in the spirit of interviewing which inevitable leads to work, i give you this hilarious cartoon.

trip numero uno

2005-04-21T08:47:00.000-04:00

and i'm off. well, not yet anyway, but soon, in apx. 7 hours i shall be flying high in the sky to the land of ire (for those that did not get my lame attempt at a joke that's ireland). i will be drinking some guiness, and kissing that famous stone that i can't really remember right now.

i'll be writing a whole boat load all about it when i get back and hopefully will get to put up some pictures. so until then, hope everyone has a fantabulous weekend.

cheers!

help a guy out

2005-04-21T07:51:00.000-04:00

okay people, i'm in need here. i need somebody to help me out. this isn't a want. no. it's much more than that. i need this. i'm aching for it. my body just cannot go on anymore without it. i need for somebody, anybody in fact, to ship me either a taco bell grilled stuffed chicken burrito with loads of fire sauce packets, OR, a taco bell chicken border bowl.

now i'll leave it amongst yourselves to decide who will take on this incredibly important task.

much love and appreciation for he/she who steps up.

saved

2005-04-14T09:38:00.000-04:00

recently i've been finding myself with a lack of not only motivation to blog but also without a single thing worth writing about. i know it sounds like bullshit, the kid overseas in a different country on a trip-of-a-lifetime has nothing to say. but never the less that's the position i've been finding myself in. i've never been a daily blogger but i've tried to get a few posts in a week and usually have never had to stress it. but i guess i've come down with a case of bloggers-block if you will. so in an attempt to ease my way back into this game and out of my current situation i shall pose this question: have you ever wondered what the blogger behind the screen looked like?

i know that on many times for the sites that i frequent without any sort of photo id i come up with a visual image for the writer much like i would a character in a book. i try and assemble not only the face but the whole appearance and persona. well today i've found out that my submission into self-portrait day has been accepted and posted on-line. so for the two of you who still stop by this site feel free to pop on over and meet not only myself (4th row on the far right) but some other fellow bloggers.

i guess now the only question is: am i everything you thought i would be and then some?

much neglected

2005-04-02T10:07:00.000-05:00

i feel as though i have no idea what is going on in the blogging world anymore. my bloglines is full with new posts that are unread. i think everyone decided to start posting regularly once they knew that i don't have great access to a computer. in a way i love it because i'm not using the computer, i'm not watching tv, i just go outside and find some new thing to see, some new place to go. but man, i really would like to know what happens in next weeks episode of 24. i know, it's a bit sad and pathetic, but it's just so addicting.

anyway, i think i could quite possibly have seen more things here these last three days than i have ever seen in my previous 20 years of life in the us. yesterday (friday night) we went to go out to this club called 'fabric' that's apparently one of the hottest clubs ever. ummm, yeah. i think that club was specifically designed and catered to people who are looking to smoke the ganga and pop e pills all night long because that was pretty much the environment that surrounded us. what makes it all the funnier is that the school that i'm studying at while i'm here is the one that provided the tickets. you would think they'd know what the place would be like. and if so, then it's hilarious that they're pretty much promoting ecstacy and pot, among other things.

that's all i can write right now. i'm going to go see the flat that winston churchill owned, it's right next to where i'm living. apparently i'm staying in the poshiest of all the pish-posh areas. every flat here is valued at min. 1.2 million pounds. every third car that you see in this area is a mercedes (more likely than not an slk) and that's only because the other two are audi's and porsche's. the one good thing about this is that i got to pose right next to a BENTLEY that was directly in front of the entrance to our flat.

yeah, i know, you hate me right now don't you?

alive in london

2005-03-31T03:31:00.000-05:00

hola, oops, wrong language. g'day mates!

well, i'm still alive, albeit a bit tired still. i don't really have time for a long, elaborate post today. but, i will say, god damn it rains a lot here. seriously, like, i thought it was all hype. NOPE! i get out of the plane and what's the first thing i'm greeted with? no not a lei, RAIN! right on my head too. i'm starving to see the sun, and for a steady stream of water.

still can't believe i'm here, maybe when i do something touristy like go to see big ben it'll really hit home.

well, cheerio!

london calling

2005-03-29T01:36:00.000-05:00

today is the day. in a few hours i will be aboard a plane on my way extremely far west to travel from my good ol' jerz to london. in the following ten weeks i shall bore you to the point where you realize that this is not a blog you should spend time reading with posts talking all about my trip. if you find that this is not your cup of tea (haha, one lump or two?) then by all means i wish you a safe journey on your way to another url (personally i don't think that's as cool a trip as mine).

so, i shall probably not be posting for a few days while i get settled in. and in case i never post again ever then you can safely assume that i must have been trampled by a mad cow (c'mon, that was funny).

i will be taking many pictures and will provide a link for the few of you who might like to see them. so until later, cheerio mate! (yeah, i think i'll fit right in, they'll never be able to tell i'm an american)

quote of the weekend

2005-03-28T04:19:00.000-05:00

insomnia has struck yet again in the land of my bed. well, i guess that's not entirely true. see, i was packing. but i finished that like two hours ago. so, insomnia has partially struck. this past weekend was my last weekend here in the US until the middle of june since on tuesday i will be venturing east (or really far west if that's how you wanna look at it) to the isle of brits, the land of bad teeth, the dogs bullocks...for those of you who cannot decipher that i'll give you a hint...it's england. in honor of this being my last weekend, in addition to my parents 27th anniversary (who says marriages don't last?) my cousins came down to visit. i would post pictures but none of them know about this blog and i wouldn't feel comfortable posting them without their consent, so instead i will leave you with a quote that none of you will probably find funny, but one that literally (seriously, no lie) caused beer (blech, me no like) to go from my mouth, up my nose, and then out, all the while laughing hysterically (after choking and coughing for a bit).

ms: dude, i would totally pimp you to an old man with a peg leg for a taco bell nacho bell grande right now.

ak: (after wiping my nose) c'mon man, you kidding me? i'm worth at least a 10 pack.

speaking of change

2005-03-25T04:45:00.000-05:00

well, while we're on the topic of change i think i should tell you about the most drastic change i've had to overcome this past week. due to my imminent departure i've had to embark on many a journey to the mall to fulfill my requirement of taking more than 5 pairs of jeans with me. one such pair that i picked up has completely thrown my entire routine and system out of whack. for the first time in my 2o years of existence, i'm wearing a pair of jeans that has buttons instead of a zipper.

now, returning these troublesome jeans is just not an option. they look too good and are the perfect color (nice dark blue, not dark dark but just dark) and i would never be able to find a suitable replacement. but, i'm sure you can sympathize with my frustrations of going to a public bathroom and looking like a complete and utter fool while taking two minutes after having finished emptying my bladder to try and button the damn thing up. see, the first mistake i made, when going to the public bathroom while wearing my new jeans, was that i used the urinal instead of just going to the stall. had i anticipated the problem i would have trying to button those four buttons i would have been able to avoid being asked "dude, you get your shit caught or something?"

well...this is new

2005-03-25T04:16:00.000-05:00

okay, so i've mentioned before that i can get a case of insomnia every now and then. but come on now, it's 4:12 am. this is getting a little bit out of hand. i'm at that stage now where i'm starting to calculate how many hours i'm going to sleep as opposed to how many hours i could've gotten to sleep if had an semblence of being a normal human being.

such a shame that's not the case. looks like i'm only going to get 4 hours.*

*assuming of course that the second i click the 'publish post' button i fall into a trance-like sleep.

a little bit of everything all wrapped up in a pita

2005-03-24T00:37:00.000-05:00

do you know who came to my site the other day? well, neither do i. but, i do (i told you i liked using italics) know that said person goes to my school. how do i know this you ask? (you probably didn't ask that, but we'll assume you did for sake of the post) i knew this because my sitemeter said that someone from drexel visited via pink lemonade diva. so, to anonymous fellow drexel student, i welcome you with hopes that you have not experienced the shaft to the same extent that i have.

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i'm a creature of routine and habit. i'm not very fond of change. especially if it's drastic change all at once. i find it a bit overwhelming and it makes me feel like i'm in china, and everythings moving really fast, and i don't know what anyone's saying, and despite my best efforts i just cannot find a wawa that will sell me a coke slurpee. so i've been incredibly shocked at how i've been able to handle things the past few weeks.

in exactly 5 (that's right...FIVE!) days, i'm going to be sitting on a plane en route to a country i've never been to before (england...i was about to write london before i realized that london isn't a country. unfortunatley when i told my co-worker that "my sister is going to tahiti, you know, one of those islands in hawaii" i was not able to hit the backspace button and prevent myself from the pointing and laughing directed at me all at once from all directions*), a country i might add that does not house anyone i know, doing something i've never done before.

i think the reason i have not yet freaked out is because it has still not yet hit me that i'm actually going to be leaving this country and not seeing anyone i know for 10 (TEN!) weeks. i'll probably realize that this is not all one big dream approximately one minute before i order 3 (THREE! i promise i won't do that anymore) screwdrivers from the stewardess (that's right, i said it). luckily for me international flights means free liquor. i can envision my extreme giddyness in my tiny-3-by-0.5-foot-area-airlines-like-to-call-coach just now.

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i suppose i could pretend like i'm extremely cool and created this entirely new and unique design all by myself, but you all know that i'm soooooo not cool, and that if there's one thing i do, it's give credit when it's due (there was no intention for that to rhyme). so, having said that, i simply must tell everyone that this stunningly dashing new blog design is all the creation of the incredibly talented catherine from flirt in a skirt. cat decided to create a non-profit little business on the side, called blog togs, where she creates, designs, and implements a completely unique design that totally signifies everything that is you. how she is able to do this? i have no idea, and if she tried to explain it'd just put me to sleep, but none-the-less she does and for this cat i say thank you. i love my design and you totally captured what i had pictured in my mind.

* slight exageration...it was really one person pointing and laughing at me while she spun around in circles.**

**okay the circles thing was just a blatant lie. it was really just pointing and laughing. minus the pointing.

down with the magma

2005-03-23T08:03:00.000-05:00

i will now proceed to show you all the supreme levels of my dorkiness. prepare to be taken to depths you have never seen before. oh yes, we're going deep. waaaaaaaaaaaay down to the magma. so put on your rubber shoes internet because it'll be one bumpy ride. yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw

okay, so a neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink...he's sitting there and trying to mack it to the fly lady electrons when a little while later his proton buddies come in and join him. so being the cool nice neutron he is he buys them all drinks and opens up a tab...after many rounds and countless inter-atom flirting the neutron goes up to the bartender and says "hey barkeep, how much i owe you?"

the bartender in his smoothest way replies, "for you neutron, no charge!"

quote of the day

2005-03-22T16:52:00.000-05:00

recently (i think it was sunday) zach braff was on punk'd. for those of you who've never see the show, it's kind of like a prank show but the pranks are done to celebrities and they're the most well thought out pranks ever. on this recent show, zach braff's porsche was spraypainted by a bunch of little 11 year olds whom he refused to buy beer for. the following was one of his many hilarious lines during his temporary moment of freaking out when a "security officer" is bringing the kid towards him:

zach braff: don't bring him near me, because i don't care if he's five i'm gonna punch him in his fucking face.

after realizing that he was the butt of a hilarious prank he responded:

zach braff: i can't believe i almost beat up a five year old on national television.

i think i'd have pretty much the same reaction if that were my porsche...actually, i think my reaction would be:

ak: holy shit i have a fucking porsche!

on an unrelated (well, not really) note, i wish i could be on punk'd. it looks like it would be much fun.

movies in under a minute

2005-03-21T22:11:00.000-05:00

i am sure most have you have already seen the movie titanic. but for those of you who haven't and for those of you who have, here is the movie summed up in less than a minute:

leonardo dicaprio: your social class is stuffy. let's dancy with the ship's rats and have fun.

kate winslet: you have captured my heart. let's run around the ship and giggle.

(major plot twist, the ship sinks!!!)

leonardo dicaprio: never let go

kate winslet: i promise. (lets go)

the end
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and now i shall sum up the movie wild things.

(there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST.)

the end

(then there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
for more one minute movie summaries visit movie-a-minute.

weekend quotes

2005-03-20T12:55:00.000-05:00

bugs: you shouldn't use the fouton rod as a pillow, it'll give you
cervical problems.

me: umm, hate to break it to you bugs but guys generally do not have a cervix.

bugs: your cervical spine fool.

me: oh...well then...there we are.

pigs: it's ok ak, i was thinking the exact same thing.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

2005-03-18T10:22:00.000-05:00

hello all, please bare with me as i'm in the process of having some things changed.

thanks.

hello all

2005-03-17T09:37:00.000-05:00

so i get into my work and, like always, i don't really have much to do, so i go on-line and start snooping through my bloglines, checking out the new dilbert and dog eat doug cartoons...eventually i make my way over to my sitemeter so as to see if anyone i know's been checking it out or anything when all of a sudden i notice that in the 9 hours that has passed today i've already gotten as many hits as i do during a full day.

so i start clicking through the users to see where they're all coming from and i notice that most of them are from good ol' anna's diary (apparently she linked me in her post today, but most of you already know that...thanks anna, hope you're today has been better than your yesterday)...

so i thought i'd just say hi to anyone who's stopping by to check out the guy who sent the 'baby beyonce' video...if anyone would like to see it just leave a comment with your e-mail address and i'll shoot it over when i get home

feel free to snoop through, maybe you'll find something interesting (you probably wont though)...thanks for stopping by and don't forget to check out some other fine blogs listed in my blogroll.

oh, and i almost forgot (actually i did and now i'm updating this post)...TOP OF THE MORNIN' TO YA!

HAPPY SAINT PATTY'S DAY!!!

who?

2005-03-16T10:56:00.000-05:00

i dare you not to laugh...try, but i bet you wont be able to. you can find the original copy here.

(A CUSTOMER steps up to a video-store counter with a stack of videos.)

CASHIER: Hi. Did you find everything you wanted?

CUSTOMER: (Handing over membership card.) Yes, thanks. (Pause.) When is this one due back?

CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: Yeah, when's it due back?

CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: Yes. The Day After Tomorrow.

CASHIER: Right.

CUSTOMER: Right. When's it due back?

CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: I mean the movie. The Day After Tomorrow. When is it due?

CASHIER: Oh! I get it. That's funny. You thought I meant—right, OK. It's due the day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: The Day After Tomorrow is due the day after tomorrow?

CASHIER: Exactly.

CUSTOMER: And Before Sunset?

CASHIER: Anytime before 10.

CUSTOMER: Is it the same as The Day After Tomorrow?

CASHIER: We close the same time every day. Ten o'clock.

CUSTOMER: But what day is the video due?

CASHIER: The Day After Tomorrow?

CUSTOMER: Why are you asking me?

CASHIER: The Day After Tomorrow is due the day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: I know, but what about Before Sunset?

CASHIER: Anytime before closing.

CUSTOMER: But what day?

CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: Before Sunset?

CASHIER: You can bring it then if you want to, but we're open till 10.

CUSTOMER: The movie! Before Sunset. When is Before Sunset due?

CASHIER: Oh! We did it again, didn't we? Isn't that just like that ... what's that sketch called? Anyway. Sorry. Before Sunset is due the day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: Thank you. (Pause.) Is that the same for the others?

CASHIER: You're not renting The Others.

CUSTOMER: Why not?

CASHIER: I don't know. You can if you want to.

CUSTOMER: Well, I would like to rent the others, please.

CASHIER: I'll check the computer.

CUSTOMER: For what?

CASHIER: The Others.

CUSTOMER: What's in front of you?

CASHIER: (Looking through stack.) Well, we have The Day After Tomorrow and Before Sunset. Then Seven, After Hours, 48 Hours, Ten, and Before Sunrise. Hey, that's funny, "before sunrise"—we could have gotten confused about that too, huh?

CUSTOMER: Yeah. Could you ring them up, please?

CASHIER: So you don't want The Others?

CUSTOMER: I want all of them.

CASHIER: But not The Others?

CUSTOMER: I want everything sitting right there in front of you.

CASHIER: OK, I'll ring them up. (Pause.) I'm sorry, but your account limits you to six rentals.

CUSTOMER: Oh, OK, I won't rent Ten.

CASHIER: Excuse me?

CUSTOMER: Get rid of Ten.

CASHIER: You have seven here.

CUSTOMER: I still want to rent Seven.

CASHIER: You're not allowed to.

CUSTOMER: Why can't I rent Seven?

CASHIER: Because it's over the limit.

CUSTOMER: Right, but I want Seven. Get rid of Ten.

CASHIER: (Pause.) That would leave negative three.

CUSTOMER: Excuse me?

CASHIER: You know what? We'll just let it slide this time.

CUSTOMER: Thank you. (Pause.) Is that one due back the day after tomorrow, too?

CASHIER: Yes, you have 48 hours.

CUSTOMER: But is it due with the others?

CASHIER: You don't have The Others.

CUSTOMER: What did you just ring up?

CASHIER: You want me to read these to you again?

CUSTOMER: No, just tell me when they're due.

CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: But what about the others?

CASHIER: You don't have The Others.

CUSTOMER: Is 48 Hours due the day after tomorrow?

CASHIER: Yes, by 10 o'clock.

CUSTOMER: Is Ten due the day after tomorrow?

CASHIER: Yes, by 10 o'clock.

CUSTOMER: What about After Hours?

CASHIER: There's a late fee.

CUSTOMER: For what?

CASHIER: If you return after hours.

CUSTOMER: The day after tomorrow?

CASHIER: All of them.

CUSTOMER: So it's due the day after tomorrow?

CASHIER: By 10.

CUSTOMER: What about Seven?

CASHIER: You can bring it then if you want to, but we're open till 10.

CUSTOMER: The movie! The movie! When is the movie Seven due?

CASHIER: (Holding up each video one at a time.) Seven is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. The Day After Tomorrow is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. Before Sunset is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. 48 Hours is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. After Hours is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. And Ten is due at 10 the day after tomorrow

CUSTOMER: Thank you! (Noticing the last video after a long pause.) But what about Before Sunrise?

CASHIER: (Pause.) We're not open before sunrise.

(CUSTOMER gives up and walks out.)

were you able to do it??? yeah, i didn't think so.

in the ides of the beholder

2005-03-15T17:25:00.000-05:00

this really has absolutely nothing to do with the title...in fact, there isn't really much that will be written...but my attempt to be witty came up with the above title (i told you i'm a dork) and i would have kicked myself if i did not make good use of it seeing as how today is the ides of march (i've said it four times already today).

so, since i do not have much to say, i shall leave you with a quote that made arizona ice tea exit my mouth and go all over my comforter.*

"when i die i want to be cremated. i want you to take my ashes and mix them with the ink that the government uses to print money. yes. and then i'd be everywhere" - skipper (ray romano) - "eulogy"

*i bear no reponsibility for any dry cleaning that might be necessary

i am the almighty

2005-03-14T12:27:00.000-05:00

HA! they can't handle my wrath and fury.

they (fox) folded like a deck of cards.

after less than a week of boycotting american idol they've given in to my demands. nikko smith is back in the competition!

i officially end my incredibly effective boycott. see, this just shows that nobody should doubt me and my power. muahahahehelolLOL...(you have all just been introduced to my eeeeeeeeeeeeevil laugh, you should feel honored)

popularity contest

2005-03-10T12:13:00.000-05:00

you know, for once i got all involved in something and it came back to bite me in the ass. i actually watched american idol this year, and from the beginning too. so i became attached to a couple of the performers, people who i wanted and thought deserved to win. nikko smith was one of them. today they eliminated him and replaced him instead with a whack rocker who has no vocal talent name constantine. and in addition to that, they eliminated my cute, pretty amanda. now she probably should have been eliminated, but still, she's hot peoples, they could have atleast let us look at her for a couple more weeks.

but nikko should have made it and in my opinion he should have won the whole competition. in response to this injustice i feel that it is necessary that i boycott american idol for the rest of the season. but i must say this, either anwar, mario, nadia, or vonzell better win this "competition." otherwise, this is some BIG bullshit!

a tale of two irks

2005-03-09T09:13:00.000-05:00

numbero uno:
if you are anywhere and you are on an escalator, have the common decency to follow the escalator ettiquette. oh yes, there is an escalator ettiquette, and it's very simple too, only four words. STAND RIGHT, WALK LEFT. see how easy that is. there's no real excuse for not following ettiquette that's only four words b/c i don't particularly care that you and your boyfriend cant bear to release e/o from your vulcan like grips for one minute. if you feel your body will shrivel up like a rasin without constant contact with one another then stand in front of eachother and hold hands, NOT SIDE BY SIDE! especially not in nyc, it's just bad manners and rude. so accept this as my warning, b/c next time i will have to bring myself to jerk-like status and appropriately brush by you and your act of rudeness to others who would like to get where they're going.

y dos:
i just started watching american idol this year, and is it just me or is it totally unfair that they're eliminating the boys and the girls seperately. it seems to me like out of the two performances (monday and yesterday) there are probably only 1 or 2 guys who i think arent't all that great and maybe 3 or 4 girls who actually are (not including amanda the hot latina whose incredible hotness would have me voting for her every week if i actually did that sort of thing).

random quotes

2005-03-08T10:57:00.000-05:00

today has been very odd. when i awoke this morning i was not greeted by the fresh smell of coffee or the sunshine hitting my face as some people may experience. no, when i woke this morning my mind kept playing random quotes from "kindergarten cop" on repeat. i know, it's extremely random. who wants to wake up to "i'm a cop you idiot" or "who is your daddy, and what does he do?".

i've tried to exorcise these daemon-like quotes from my head, but 5 minutes later there it is again "i'm detective john kimble."

it's like a bad song that you can't stop yourself from humming all. day. long.

maybe i should go listen to "mmmmm bop", surely that can't be as bad as this.

*update*
i retract that statement. i was wrong. it's much worse

it's like an aids test, what's the result? part deux...

2005-03-04T16:48:00.000-05:00

POSI-FUCKING-TIVE!

90th percentile baby...i'm exuberant, elated, and soon to be inebriated!!!

march is turning out to be one dandy month with some great bookends. great score at the beginning of the month and ooo-rope-ay (europe) at the end!

HIRING: NEW POSITION AVAILABLE

2005-03-04T09:41:00.000-05:00

WANTED: an 8:00 am wake up call that will not get off the phone with me until they hear the shower running.

applicant must be tough and steadfast in their refusal to accept failure.
applicant must be willing to put up with employers (me) bitching and whining about being tired.
applicant must be thick skinned and not take offense when i repeatedly hang up the phone in an attempt to catch more z's

applicant will be working for the sheer satisfaction of knowing that they've helped another human being wake up on-time and not get to work late again. if compensation is necessary then you will be please to know that in return you will be receiving a "fuck you. stop calling. let me sleep!" response many times.

so, any takers?

it's like an aids test, what's the result?

2005-03-02T10:00:00.000-05:00

surely it shouldn't take this long. i mean, they said three weeks, but they don't really mean three weeks. they just say that the same way people always say 4-6 weeks for delivery. it never takes that long but they just want to cover their ass for the odd exceptions.

so there must be something wrong, i mean, this can't possibly be good news. if it were good news why would they want to wait, they'd want to tell me right away if it was good news. after all, who would want to put off happiness for those that are going crazy? nobody would want to do that, so this must be bad news then, either that or they're trying to be assholes. but they already are assholes, so they wouldn't need to try. yeah, this must be bad news.

i knew it. i knew it didn't go well. i knew i wasn't ready. i dunno why i even bothered. i don't know why i even want to go this path. it's something that i've always told myself that i want to do. but do i really? i'm infatuated with the concept, but do i really want to do this for the rest of my life?

come on, it's been two weeks just let me know already. i can't stand the waiting, the waiting's the hardest part. it's the time when you just sit here and go crazy thinking random things like "if i hadn't gone out that one night i wouldn't be in this position, they wouldn't have made me wait. damn, why'd i go out that night? it wasn't even that great."

i knew i was gonna do bad. man, this sucks. now i just have to sit here and wait to get news that's gonna be bad. damn, i could've done more. i could've easily done more. why the fuck didn't i do more?

it was probably those first 5 minutes that killed me. i wasn't prepared for those first 5 minutes. i didn't experience that with the sat's. why didn't they tell me how to cope with those first 5 minutes? stupid princeton review, they didn't tell me that when the proctor said "begin" my body would shoot up 20 degrees. they didn't tell me that i'd feel like i couldn't breathe, that i'd feel like i needed to throw up. they didn't tell me that suddenly i would be overcome with thoughts of "this is the most important test i'll ever have to take." no, they didn't prepare me for that. why didn't they tell me about those first 5 minutes?

i should tell them that they owe me something for neglecting to mention those 5 oh-so-important minutes. well, i guess after i tell them the bad score that i'm bound to get since it's taking so long they'll give me a free review if i decide to take it again. after all they do have that guarantee.

or maybe if i could've slept that night before i would've been more relaxed. i was feeling kind of tense. but i probably should've just stuck to the poptarts that morning instead of the mcdonald's. that hash brown was really making my mouth dry. i was so stupid, i should've known not to fuck with my routine. if there's one person who lives off of routine it's me. i need me routine. i knew i shouldn't have listened when they told me to have breakfast that morning. i never eat breakfast. i was so stupid to start then. stupid, stupid, stupid.

wow. i can't believe they're really taking this long. i mean how hard is it to put a sheet through a scantron machine. it only takes like 5 seconds. yeah, this can't be a good sign. dammit, why the fuck didn't i know about those 5 minutes, that could've cost me 3 points.

it's the most important test i've ever had to take and unlike an aids test i want it to be positive.

just gimme the damn score already!

yeah, OKAY

2005-03-01T10:27:00.000-05:00

i'm gettin kinda sick of hearing people continue to talk and say that chris rock went over the line with his joke about jude law. c'mon now people, gimme a break. if that were johnny carson, or jay leno making that joke you would have never seen sean penn go up their and give his little speech. nobody would have thought anything of it. but because it was chris rock who said it now it's all "controversial".

get your head out of your asses. he was a great host and the major mistake of the night was not having him on stage more.

and now, on something totally unrelated, FOUR WEEKS until chaoticphoenixak (can't forget about the ak) features posts from LONDON BABY!!!

quick to conclude?

2005-02-28T14:00:00.000-05:00

perhaps i was too quick to conclude last week that god had a personal vendetta against me. for it is snowing donkeys and cows outside (if it can rain cats and dogs then it is only fitting that it snow donkeys and cows) and as a direct result of said snow we get to leave work early!

enjoy the snow day.

i heart my tivo, huckabee's not so much

2005-02-28T10:05:00.000-05:00

this weekend has made me realize two things that i otherwise might not have:

it is absolutely painful and boring to watch an awards show without the glorious functions that my tivo provides.
i do not like i heart huckabee's.

my netflix choices for this weekend were extremely disappointing to say the least. "sky captain and... (i forget the rest of the title)" just did not do it for me. visually it was stunning and a great throwback to the good ol' days. but even worse than that was "i heart huckabee's" which was so painfully boring that i was forced to shut it off after 45 minutes.

the oscars, while good, were not 3-hours-of-my-time good. i curse myself for forgetting to tivo and fast forward through bitchonce (aka beyonce). i mildly contemplated doing a "real-time" blogging of the event, but come on people, that would require waaaaaaay too much effort. and don't you know already, effort is not my middle name.

for those of you in the tri-state area, i highly recommend you go to the philadelphia art museum and see the salvador dali exhibit. i went sunday afternoon and it was truly stunning. a must-see if you will.

if there is a god, he's fucking with me

2005-02-24T20:45:00.000-05:00

yesterday was a busy day, or at least was supposed to be a busy day. there were many things that needed to get done, things that were imperative, things that for the good of god (who decided to fuck with me) must get done that day, and that day only. you see i'm smart, and i knew that i would never again commit myself to having to do it all over again, so yesterday was the day to get it all done.

my 'to do' list was filled with the tedious tasks of: going to commerce bank to cash my ginormous bowl of change, getting ink from staples, picking up free travel guides from aaa, and dropping off my dry cleaning.

god decided to start fucking with me early yesterday. he began by making me forget to bring my ginormous bag of change with me to work. and no, i did not forget the ginormous bag of change, i would never forget that. not on a day like yesterday when there were many important and imperative things to get done. i would never forget it on my own, it was god who made me forget it. and so, when i finished my hell day of doing essentially nothing, i headed back across the street to my house to pick up my ginormous bag of change. knowing that the dry-cleaners closes at 7 and the bank closes at 6 i figure it would be a good thing to go to the bank first, after all, it was 20 minutes away. so i go my normal route that i always take, got to the fire station and made my normal left turn before the bridge, but unlike other times when i would continue to actually move after making the turn, i was forced to come to a halt. why? because yesterday, my busy important day, was apparently the day that everyone decided they needed to get into their cars and drive. but not just drive anywhere, they needed to drive the route that i was supposed to take. so i do what any normal, sane person would have done, i pull a uie (you-eeeeeeee) and go a different way, which happened to be a longer way. but i eventually get to the bank, just in time to discover that hey, commerce bank closes at 5 unlike everything that my entire family has been telling me for the last...three...years!

so off i went, a bit annoyed might i add, to staples to get my one item. now staples apparently has not discovered the concept of having more than one cash register open for an entire store. no, see that would make too much sense, and c'mon, a store named staples that sells office products usually marketed towards adults has no need to ever make sense or do anything rational. so i pick up my ONE item and get right in line, still holding my ONE item, behind a woman who apparently decided that she needed to not only buy one of every single item in the store, but also RETURN one of every item in the store. so i do what any person would do, i stand there and grit my teeth while uttering the most vulgar comments in my head to this woman who turns around and recognizes that i am holding only ONE item and ONLY one item. after literally 15 minutes, no seriously i was keeping track with my cell phone, a register on the other side of the store opened and me and the guy behind me decided to go there. had it been a person with 5 or 10 items i probably wouldn't have but this guy was like me, a brother if you will, and also had ONE item. however, i am obviously very dumb, because it was extremely foolish of me to think that it would take him only 2 or 3 minutes to actually purchase this ONE item. i was dumb not to realize that it would take him 10 minutes to actually buy the item (note: the other woman actually finished before my 'brother'). after uttering the same vulgar comments as i did the other woman in my head, and after the 10 minutes passed, i dropped my ONE item and credit card on the counter, paid for said item, and left the store.

now aaa was only 5 stores down so i figured i'd just walk there instead of going to get the car, and driving, and finding parking, and getting out, and walking again. so i get to aaa and open, or rather, try to open the door, but it won't budge. so i try again, and again, and yet still it won't open. so finally i look to see what time it closes and see that it closes at 6. so i pull out my cell phone and see that it's literally 6:01. seriously, no joke, 6:0 fucking 1. so, once again, i do what anyone would do, i knock on the window to the guy who's been looking at me the whole time only to see him pick up his hand, the hand that had his watch on it, and point to said watch while shrugging his shoulders in the most obnoxious manner. so, in my 'will not be denied' state, i open my phone and call the store. he see's me calling, he see's the phone ringing, he see's me hearing the phone ringing both in the earpiece and through the glass, and yet again picks up his hand, the hand that had his watch on it, and point to said watch while shrugging his shoulders in the most obnoxious manner. so, yet again, i do what anyone would do, and i pick up my hand, and show him my finger (which finger shall remain a mystery).

so, uttering the most vulgar things, this time out loud, i head back to my car and get onto route 1 to go to the dry cleaners. ahh but see, i forgot, god had been against me all day, why would he decide to make my life any easier now? he wouldn't do that, no, he wouldn't be happy until my whole day was fucked. so it was only natural that route 1 would be completely backed up and i would not get to the dry cleaners until after 7 when it was closed.

so basically, if there is a god, he's fucking with me. i mean, it's the only logical conclusion that there is.

to further prove my point, this morning i dropped my only winter jacket off at the dry cleaners and lo-and-behold, it's snowing outside.

oh he's definitely fucking with me.

conversations at on the border

2005-02-24T13:48:00.000-05:00

rj: hey look, they have a clock that's counting down to cinco de mayo.

cp: when's that?

me: ok, i'm gonna pretend you did not just say that.

cp: i don't get it.

me: ummm yeah, you've just lost all talking privileges.

conversations in the workplace

2005-02-18T12:48:00.000-05:00

worker 1: ...it's so whack man, and i don't mean weighted average cost capital.**

worker 2: yeah, you're gonna have to sit alone at lunch from now on.

** weighted average cost capital is often referred to as the acronym WACC (pronounced like whack) in a finance related industry

caution: predominantly vulgar and CAPS heavy post below

2005-02-17T11:35:00.000-05:00

FUCK YOU GARY BETTMAN!

FUCK YOU BOB GOODENOW!

FUCK YOU PLAYERS ASSOCIATION!

AND FUCK YOU NHL TEAM OWNERS!

what transpired yesterday (2/16) is an event that will forever go down as the saddest day in hockey history. it's bigger than gretzky being traded or the cheap shot todd bertuzzi gave to steve moore.

yesterday the nhl cancelled the 2004-2005 hockey season...over a measly 6.5 million dollars!

i have a lot on my mind, a lot to say, much of which you won't care about since lets face it, it's easier to find a nickel from 1802 then it is to find a hockey fan. there's so much i'm feeling right now that i just cannot put down into words. for the last 2 hours i've been trying to write something that resembles anything close to a coherent post but it's nearly impossible.

i've been a loyal and devoted fan to this sport for over half my life. i've watched just about every game my team has played since the early 90's and try to watch as many non-team games as i possibly can. for anybody who knows anything about hockey, i'm a die-hard rangers fan, the last 7 or 8 years have been anything but fun to watch. and yet i sat there through it all faithfully rooting and pulling for a team that is more embarrassing to watch than seeing the yankees with a 3-0 series lead and on the verge of winning game 4 with mariano rivera on the mound, in the 8th inning, only to see them lose not only that game but the next 3 as well, and to of all people, the red sox (haha, i gotta throw in a cheap shot every now and then).

but after seeing the greed that these players and owners are driven by, do you really expect us loyal fans to come back with open arms? you've spat in the face of every hockey fan that's still left. you come onto podiums and announce the canceling of the season and yet still have the audacity to say that 'you're sorry', 'you tried all you could', and 'nobody feels worse about this than you'.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

gary bettman, please tell me you're joking. this must be a prep for some sad, pathetic snl skit. i know that you are not sitting there trying to say that you did everything you possibly could to prevent this. in the last 4 day, you and the union made strides bigger than the size of yao ming. you're divided by only 6.5 million dollars. both you and the union made offers, and then counter offers on tuesday night, but did either of you pick up the phone on wednesday? NO! so don't tell me you did everything you fucking could. i mean c'mon, you shouldn't even be on that fucking dais. the announcement should've been postponed and you guys should've tried to bridge this gap.

oh, and don't tell me you're sorry. you don't care about the game, you don't care about the tradition. you're a basketball guy, not a hockey one. you've never even played it. you're just a tiny, arrogant little shit who looks like a penis.

you know what though gary, you're lucky. i'll give you that, you're a lucky son of a bitch. you've been in this league for something like 10 or 12 years now, and have successfully managed to oversee not 1, but TWO lockouts, and yet you still have your job. but even more so than that gary, you're lucky because even before this lockout began, the nhl sucked. you managed to successfully deteriorate the game by over expanding into markets that CAN NOT sustain hockey, which then lead to a dilution of the talent, which lead to a poor on-ice product with low scoring games, which ruined ANY CHANCE the nhl could have ever had of attracting casual fans.

so i'll give you that gary, you're fucking lucky, because it will be easy for the nhl to bounce back from this. we have no fans right now, we have no tv revenue, and we have shitty attendance. you've driven this league so far down that it can't get any worse. to use an analogy, if you have a restaurant that only gets two customers and they have to shut down, it won't be hard for them to get more than that when they start back up.

but you know what, once again, FUCK YOU. you could've made this game great 10 years ago. when the rangers won the stanley cup hockey was as high as it could ever get. the nation was wrapped up i the drama of the seventh game of the stanley cup finals between new york and vancouver. you had a whole nation that was mesmerized with this fast paced, hard hitting sport. they were talking about it at work and on late night talk shows. baseball was as low as it ever was so we were already the third best sport. but it was even better than that gary because we were creeping up on number 2! everyone everywhere was talking about how this was better than basketball and if you watch a game live you'll get hooked. we were going straight to the top!

but what'd you do right after that gary? you commissioned a lockout, and it was 7 months before anyone saw hockey again. you got rid of the casual fans.

but i'm sick of writing about this now. it hurts too much to keep talking about what could've been. before i go though, i need to give a final 'FUCK YOU'.

FUCK YOU NHL PLAYERS!

you get to play a game i love for a career. a game that i would pay to play and any hockey fan would me more than glad to play for free. you get paid more in one year than most will ever make in their entire lives. you're greedy bastards and i truly hate you right now. you've taken a die-hard hockey fan, and made him disgraced to be one.

FUCK YOU!

48 hours

2005-02-10T12:30:00.000-05:00

48 hours until:

i can sleep in on a saturday/sunday morning.
i will actually have a weekend that consists of something other than studying.
i will never have to study at the princeton university graduate library ever again.
i can watch tv or a movie without feeling guilty that i'm slacking off.
i can actually make posts with more frequency than of as late.
i can actually make changes to this blog and customize it to my style.
i can reconstruct the bridges that have been broken with some people who are close to me.
i can start planning and actually get excited about going to london for 10 weeks.
i can start reading for leisure.
i can start going to the gym again (okay, well maybe not again, but until i can start going to the gym).
i start panicking about how i did.
i start the countdown to when i get my score.
i check my e-mail every hour of every day hoping that maybe the evil people at the law school admission council were lying and they're going to e-mail me my score earlier than march 7th, the date they said they would.
i get annoyed when every person i know starts asking me the question i hate to be asked after any test "how did you do". or the slight but equally annoying variation "how did it go".
i can call people and have more than a 5 minute conversation.
my life will deviate from the routine that i've been constricted to for the last 2 months of: work, library, sleep, rinse, repeat.
i never have to look at another lsat book in my life ever again.
i'm done.
i get my life back.

only 48 more hours.

we just won the superbowl, so why am i so sad?

2005-02-07T13:12:00.000-05:00

I WANT MY NHL!

i'll give you a moment to rub your eyes and realize that i did indeed just type that on this page. i know it may come as a shock to you that there are still nhl fans out there amidst this horrible, lockout, but there are, and i'm sick of it.

I WANT MY NHL BACK!

as a die hard hockey fan who ignorantly refuses to accept the fact that hockey is barely a 'major four' sport (i will always be adamant that it's right at the top, ahead of football even...HEY. STOP LAUGHING, that's not a joke) it pains me to see the depths that this sport is sinking to as a result of greed.

tonight i witnessed my favorite nfl team enter into a class of great teams that can only be described as 'dynasties'. but you can bet your pretty little heart that i would trade all the jubilation and joy i've experienced for three of the last four years in watching my patriots excel just to see my poor, pathetic, sad new york rangers put me through the agony of truly believing that they'd make the post-season only to crash and burn and miss the play-offs for yet another year (this year would most likely have been the EIGHT, i repeat EIGHTH year in a row). and yet despite what i know would only bring me frustration i would still give it all up just for one. more. game.

now many of you are probably thinking, 'this kid is crazy' there's no way you can put this pathetic league right up there with the nfl, oh but you're wrong my foolish grasshopper. hockey is the coolest, fastest, most physical and toughest game on earth. you're constantly skating at an extremely fast speed, shooting pucks at 100+ miles an hours, diving in front of said pucks to try and block them, throwing your bodies at people and into solid walls and glass, not to mention, YOU'RE ON FRICKIN' ICE! anyone who wishes to debate this with me feel free and bring it on, i warn you though, you'll just be another casualty.

but i digress...the whole point of this post is that there is a large void right now due to this lockout. i realize that i'm one of the luckiest sports fans in that i've been able to witness my red sox and my patriots win their respective championships all within a span of four months, but man what i wouldn't give to walk into msg and be hit with with the fresh smell of the ice. hearing my feet make the squishy noises with each step i make from the sticky beer-drenched floor. taking part in the chants 'let go rangers' even though we all know deep down that they'll let us down in the end (much like the eagles do to philly). i miss the exhilarating feeling when the lights dim and the announcer begins his routine of announcing 'ladies and gentlemen, the NEW YORK RANGERS!' i miss john enumerate hold the last note of the star spangled banner as he turns around a full 360 degrees so that every fan can feel the power of his voice. i miss the thrill of a breakaway, the crunch of a hard bodycheck into the boards, the chants taunting the opposing goalie. i miss seeing the look on an opposing players face when he's just been given a great chance to score and got robbed by our goalie. i miss seeing the beautiful passes and fancy stickers. i miss watching players chasing for a loose puck, giving everything they've got on each and every play.

it's been a great year, two championships, one that hasn't been achieved in 86 years. but watching the baseball postseason and then the nfl playoffs makes me miss my hockey that much more because nothing compares to coolest game on earth.

i wan't my nhl.

a life so simple

2005-02-06T00:35:00.000-05:00

as you can tell, i like to try and bring laughter into the world. sometimes i'll try to be witty and it will result with you laughing at how incredibly bad i am at it (yeah i do that on purpose, i'm not really that bad, it's all a facade). and other times i will do what i've done recently and post something that i've found on-line. and so that leads me to ask: why break from what's been working so far? (i really just don't have time, but shh, you didn't hear it from me)

and so, with that, i give you: the simple life

a joke: part ii

2005-02-02T10:00:00.000-05:00

this completely made my day yesterday, here's hoping it'll bring a little laughter to your day.

a monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"
the monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
so the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few puffs. after a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. a crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the shore, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"
the lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.
the crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"
the monkey looks down and says "fuuuuuuuuck! duuuude!.......how much water did you drink?!!"

a little flirting never hurts

2005-01-31T11:24:00.000-05:00

comment for chairty day!

don't forget to go and leave a comment so that a dollar in your name can go to charity.

here's the website again, and don't forget to tell all your fellow bloggers!

flirt in a skirt.

big day monday!

2005-01-29T20:54:00.000-05:00

on monday, jan 31 (i can't believe it's the end of january already...it seems like only yesterday i was drunk and broke my nose, oh the memories) i urge you all to go visit this cool chica catherine's blog. i just found out she existed only a few days ago and let me tell you, it's quite a cool place to be, it's where they paaaaaaaaaartay is at (and now i shall never return after realizing i am the biggest dork ever for just saying that).

no, but seriously, on monday she is going to be making a dollar donation to a charity, tbd, for every comment that is posted. i've never seen anybody do this before and it's an incredibly original and thoughtful idea so i suggest you all go and not only discover a cool blog but contribute to a good cause, still yet tbd.

as for me, i will most likely be out of commission for while. it's getting down to crunch time, lsat is less than two, i repeat two weeks away, so unless boredom reigns supreme at work i shall most likely not be posting.

and so, i my absence i hope to try and keep you all entertained in a fun game that i found from cool chica catherine's blog (see #96 on 101 list). so, i start with a question, and then someone answers it in the comments section and then asks a new question. then the next person answers that and asks a new question and so forth.

so, if tomorrow you could pick up and go anywhere in the world, where would you go? and so we begin!

oh, and spread the word about the 'commenting for charity' at cool chica catherines blog!

mission accomplished

2005-01-28T15:33:00.000-05:00

ding dong, the auditors are gone!

after nearly three weeks they have finally completed their audit. no more asking for invoices to be pulled, no more having to reconcile satellite binders, and most importantly no more teasing with the smell of popcorn.

it's 3:30 right now, they literally just left, i think they're at the elevators, and we're about to celebrate.

how you ask? we're making some popcorn!

101 things all about me

2005-01-26T14:26:00.000-05:00

here it is at long last. i had hoped to get this done in time to post exactly a month after i began blogging but i found it to be quite harder than it looks. especially since after every 15 things i'd be too sick of myself to think of more. oh well, it's the first of many lists, i promise the rest shall be short though.

i am a november baby (scorpio to the bone).
i was born an innie. still one to this day.
i am 72 inches and 158lbs of all muscle (ha, who do i kid, i'm more like a pile of bones with skin attached).
i am a creature of habit and routine.
i sometimes have trouble dealing with major changes.
i don't have many fears.
i do have a fear of water in mass quantities though.
i like to use italics.
i often use them improperly.
i like bi-gender movies.
some people like to call them chick flicks. i am not one of those people.
i have never been a beer person.
i am very much a vodka person and a wine person.
i love me some pinot grigio.
i am not very religious.
i have been the cheated and the cheatee (unaware of both).
i can't ever see myself being a cheater.
i dislike sweets (that includes both ice cream and chocolate).
i often get irritated with my generation. we'll fight like hell to get family guy back on the air but won't show up at the polls to vote.
i take voting very seriously.
i am pro-choice.
i am somewhat of a liberal.
i was born in boston.
i have two older sisters. they are two of the most important people in my life.
i love going to comedy shows.
i'm big on laughing.
i can be quite shy around new people.
i have received one birthday present in my life that has stood head and shoulders above all others and captured the essence that is me. a 24 pack of surge (a soda discontinued), and multiple orange jolly ranchers (a flavor discontinued).
i am partial to products flavored in strawberry or orange. nothing beats cold strawberry pop tarts, or orange jolly ranchers.
i am very organized. organization is key.
i am as anal as they come when it come to the cleanliness of my room and surroundings.
i have been told that this is a character trait that must be abandoned on a road in wyoming never to return again.
i have a soft spot for wyoming. it's a perfect square.
i like to dress nicely.
but i love the days when i can be a scrub.
i aspire to become a lawyer.
i am not really sure why though.
i do know that i love living in the northeast.
i am very much a winter person.
i will however complain about having to shovel.
i am a die hard new york rangers fan.
i am also a huge red sox fan (who's your daddy now biatch!).
i have a very wide taste of music.
i can go from listening to dmx straight to bon jovi and shania twain without a blink of the eye.
i think one of my eyes is larger than the other.
i did not intend for them to be that way.
i'm a romantic.
i am not one of those guys that likes the random hookups.
i am more of a relationship kind of guy.
i like making that last call before i go to sleep.
i often have trouble sleeping.
i feel uncomfortable during stretches of silence. i like to have background noise wherever i am. you'll usually hear music or something from the tv.
the most valuable things i own are my laptop and my hockey card collection. neither one of them can be worth much more than $1,200.
i have a love for word games.
you will not beat me at boggle.
i like to think of myself as a jovial person.
i can be annoyingly stubborn at times though.
my favorite holiday is thanksgiving.
i'm a big fan of eating.
i love me some sushi. spicy tuna and california rolls in particular, with lots of spicy mayo sauce.
i have always had a feeling that i would die at a young age.
in case you can't tell i have thus far managed to prove myself wrong.
this is the only instance in which i am glad to have been proved wrong.
when i was a boy i used to think that being able to shave would finally make me a man.
i wish i could kick that boy. i hate shaving. there is nothing manly about it.
i consider myself to be a very good driver.
i have had some infractions. but none of them were my fault of course.
you would be accurate if you thought i was a speed demon.
my favorite animals are cows and turtles.
i tend to get excited when i see cows. contrary to what you may be thinking right now i am not a hick.
i believe that whenever someone says 'the city' there is only one possible city that said person can be referring to. that city is of course new york city.
i like to consider myself a new york guy.
because of #72 you can tell that i am from jersey.
i may make fun of jersey often, but i have my jersey pride.
i don't like to be ordered to do things. if you want me to do something, just ask.
i am very indecisive.
i like to try and play jeopardy along with the contestants.
i talk shit when i know an answer that they don't.
i don't get to talk shit very often.
i am not one of those people who needs to have a fancy car. give me an altima or a pathfinder and i'll be the happiest guy on earth.
in case you can't tell i have a preference for nissan's.
i have a dot on my thumb that appeared 6-8 years ago out of nowhere.
i can be very random.
i'm a very independent person.
i have a special place in my heart reserved for jessica alba.
i am a movie junkie.
my two favorite movies are shawshank redemption and american history x.
i love to take pictures.
my favorite mythological creature is a phoenix.
it's my favorite word. i love how it's not spelled the way it sounds.
i have always been fascinated with astronomy.
if i could go anywhere it would be the moon and/or pluto.
i have my very own star.
i named it blugo (pronounced blue-go in one swift motion. it's gotta be swift).
i discovered it when i was in high school and came up with the name because it was blue and i wanted to go there.
i am not very creative.
i am also not a good writer.
i really like to read, but don't do it as often as i'd like because i'm very, very, slow at it.
i have been given many nicknames in my life.
i have dispensed many as well (my sisters are known as 'piggy' and 'the ugly'. note: the ugly can be pronounced 'the oooglie' if desired. use of the word 'the' is necessary though).
i have a penchant for nicknames.

a joke

2005-01-24T10:17:00.000-05:00

i saw this in the comment section of barefoot ramblings about a week ago and it totally made my day. so for those of you who happen to come upon my site i hope that this can bring a hearty chuckle to your day:

A rabbit was happily hopping along the woods when he came up on a baboon smoking a bong. He looks at the baboon and says "Hey man don't be smoking dope, lets hop through the jungle and be happy and free." So the baboon goes along with the rabbit.

A little later they hop upon an elephant snorting coke through his trunk. The rabbit looks at the elephant and says "Hey man don't be snorting that shit, let's hop through the jungle and be happy and free." So the elephant goes along with the rabbit and baboon.

A little later they hop upon a lion shooting heroin. Before the rabbit can finish his saying the lion beats the little rabbit to death. The baboon and elephant can't believe what they have just seen. So the lion looks over at them and says "That little shit has me run around the jungle for hours every time he is on ecstasy."

the blogger

2005-01-23T02:39:00.000-05:00

this is me, i am the blogger!

the moon

2005-01-23T02:30:00.000-05:00

here at the website of the one and only ak, you will be treated to many things.
among them are:

quotes
rants
humor (or things that i find to be humorous atleast)
lyrics
and lastly, lists

and thus far i have completed each task (that was my first list) with the exception of lyrics. to be honest i'm rather surprised that i have yet to post some of my favorite (and oh are there many), but, you need to start somewhere. and so, with that, i leave you with a classic, and my all-time favorite (be prepared to hear this same statement about hundreds of other songs).

Frank Sinatra - Fly me to the moon

Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On a-Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby, kiss me

Fill my heart with song
And let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you

Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true
In other words, in other words
I love ... you

the battle

2005-01-20T16:14:00.000-05:00

okay, so they called my bluff. the auditors from hell knew that i would not actually set their office on fire (a raging one to be precise). in fact, they took it one further and one upped me. it's 4:15 and they're already at it with their frenzied corn popping. they've sensed my weakness and have gone for the kill. and now, i need your help. i'm calling on all arms, and legs if need be, to tell me what the best smelling food is that i can bring in here on monday so that for once they'll get a taste of their own medicine.

what is the best smelling food that if you were forced to only smell and not eat would drive you mad? and we're not talking about that 'oh that smells so good can i please have a bite' madness. oh hell no, that's the weak stuff. that just simply will not cut the cheese man. i'm talking about that madness that'll have them crawling on their hands and knees while waving the white flag of surrender. anything less than that is simply unacceptable.

oh these auditors are gonna rue the day they messed with ak! (did you like how i made that rhyme? did ya, did ya, did ya???)

inauguration day

2005-01-20T00:00:00.001-05:00

seeing as how today is inauguration day and all, i thought i would share my feelings on our current situation with you all:

yeah, that pretty much sums it up

the auditors from hell

2005-01-19T16:49:00.000-05:00

i don't mind the fact that you've come in here and taken over the office. i don't mind the fact that you make your outrageous demands of things that you need done in order to successfully complete your audit. demands that you make to the higher authorities who all seem to feel that these tasks would be perfect for the interns to learn. perfect not because the interns would actually learn something relevant in the practice of accounting and finance by making photocopies of the hundreds of invoices that these auditors decided need to be photocopied in the next 15 minutes, but rather because by handing off the task you've avoided hours of mind numbingly boring work that puts you on the verge of cutting off your hands so that you cant hold a piece of paper EVER AGAIN (although they'd probably say that we're fully capable of making photocopies using our feet, toes can be like fingers you know). but like i said, i don't mind that.

BUT, if you make popcorn at 4:30, during the most excruciatingly long last 30 minutes anyone ever has to endure before being granted the right the leave, ONE. MORE. TIME. i swear on my left nut i will set your office on a raging fire the likes never seen before. and you wont be able to leave because the doors would have automatically shut and the knob would have gotten hot what from all the fire.

try making popcorn then biatches!

this is fire safety?

2005-01-19T10:10:00.000-05:00

now i'm relatively new to the whole working in an office experience. after all i am still a college student with another year and a half left before graduation. but at the school i attend they have a co-op program which allows us to get working experience for 6 months at a time so that we'd be better prepared for when we complete our schooling, so in addition to my summer internships this is what i've been doing for the last 3 months and what i intend to do until LONDON BABY!!! (that is how i shall officially refer to it from now on, no ifs, ands, or buts).

today however was a truly new experience, one which i do not believe my university intended for me to learn during said co-op. this morning we had a fire drill, which i never really thought i'd have to endure after i left high school but i digress, after the alarms went off and i reached for my jacket, unlike some people who shall remain url'less i do not live in the sunbelt and here people die from the cold, when suddenly i heard a big slam. my first thought was damn it's just a fire alarm why would somebody jump, after coming to my senses and exiting my cubicle i realized that the slamming, which i thought was a body, was actually the sound of all the doors, to both offices and hallways, slamming shut automatically.

now maybe it's just me, and i understand that by shutting the doors their intention may be to prevent those lucky enough to have an office to burn like all the lowly cubicle workers like myself, BUT, doesn't having the doors slam shut produce a further obstacle that those lucky enough to have an office must now overcome, not to mention the doors to the hallway that ALL of us have to now get past? but then again, maybe those lucky enough to have an office also have a magical slide that pops out of their window and allows them to 'wheeeee' their way down to safety while us cubicle workers have to fend for ourselves overcoming slammed doors on our mad dash to the bitter cold safety.

all of this while trying to get our gloves and scarfs on of course.

my day off

2005-01-17T17:00:00.000-05:00

i miss the old days when on a day off you could relax, sit back, pop open a good book, or maybe catch up on the time magazines that for the past 4 weeks have been collecting dust because you've been too busy to give them the attention they deserve. maybe you'd go catch a movie since the last one you'd seen in a theater was last summer, or get together with a bunch of friends and go out to eat, or better yet, go out to eat pancakes at (insert favorite pancake eating place here) for breakfast or brunch or any meal of the damn day you want since it's your day off and you can do that.

on this day off (if you choose to call it that) i awoke at 6am, after only 4 hours of sleep due to studying 'til 2 for my lsat test on feb 12, only to be forced to go out in the wild cold (where snow was on the ground mind you) to drop my sister off at the train station. came back home, showered, and proceeded to go to the most fun place in the entire world. seriously guys, i mean when you think of a rockin' party, or the best day ever, this is the place that you think of. got an image in your head, got your little happy place that'll take you to never never land (not the ranch) and make you fly, do you have it? okay...i bet we're all thinking of the same place...are you guys thinking of...........the library right now, because that's where i am.

okay so maybe i took it a wee bit too far there, but hey, that's what this place will do to you. it messes with your mind, especially when you've been here since 8:00am studying (again) for the lsats. oh but that's not all, oh no, in an hour (about 6:00pm) i get to go to class. can you all guess what class that is??? that's right, lsat class, candycanes go out to everyone who guessed right (we have a lot left over).

i guess i really shouldn't complain, and i normally don't, but i'm just in a mood today and i think everyone should be entitled to a mood every once in a while, otherwise we'd all be living in a happy joyous world. and seriously folks, if it were happy-go-lucky all the time, wouldn't you wanna punch someone, or better yet, head-butt them (haha, that was slick right, yeeaaaaaah, i know you love it).

but in all seriousness folks, thanks for bearing with me on my woe-is-me post, you wont hear any more whining out of me. after all, i do have something to look forward to and the end of all this.

10 glorious weeks spent studying abroad in london.

that's right. from the end of march to mid-june LONDON BABY!

headlines!

2005-01-16T13:03:00.000-05:00

totally something that you'd expect to see on one of those late night tv talk show headlines segments

battling insomnia

2005-01-14T01:51:00.000-05:00

it's 1:35 in the morning, i can't sleep...i'm drugged up on pain killers (prescribed oxycodone aka percocet), antibiotics (penicillin), cold medicine (tylenol pm and nyquil...neither does shit), and i can't sleep...

i'm watching tv...conan o'brien just finished, now i'm stuck watching the painfully annoying carson daly...he should be sued, reasons for said suing is yes to be determined...suggestions are welcomed

it's now 1:42, my eyes feel heavy and yet light as a feather all at the same time

due to my inability to sleep and the lack of any functionality in my brain right now i will conclude this meaningless post by giving you, the occasional reader, a glimpse into my daily* routine: work, princeton review (lsat), library (lsat), home, food, daily show, sleep, rinse, repeat

it's now 1:51

*expires 2/12/05 and then subject to change

lost

2005-01-12T23:38:00.000-05:00

did anybody by any chance happen to catch the last 5 minutes of abc's show 'lost' yesterday...tivo accidentally cut it off...if so, could you please comment as to how the show ended...it cut off right when boone comes and jumps on locke

much appreciation

they're not just cuts and scrapes, they're sexy battle scars

2005-01-10T11:05:00.000-05:00

contrary to popular belief, chivalry is alive people, it just gets tangled up in the arrogance of those who feel the need to boost their ego by acting hard and tough. such was the case over my new years trip to toronto with my friends.

we decided to go to the nightclub lucid to celebrate the transition into the new year. they were throwing an extravagant bash that included, among other things, 42 bars, 12 time-zone countdowns, 4 floors, food, and an endless supply of liquor (which of course was the perk that pushed them from being just an option, to the one and only possibility). the club was amazing...at midnight they had free champagne toasts, and after much flirting (and picture taking), by my boy and i, with violet (the sweet lady bartender) we were able to get multiple free rounds instead of the allotted 1 per person. after hours of partying and drinking, lots of drinking, we grabbed our coats and made our grand exit into the brisk cool night upon where we were faced with the daunting task of seeping through all the people and mass chaos outside and finding a cab.

amidst the swarm of bodies the inevitable occurred and we got split in half. so me and my friend began our quest to not only find our missing half, but also hail a cab...when suddenly a problem arose, her feet began to hurt (she had just bought new shoes that same day, and i guess what with the change of countries and all she forgot that there's usually a breaking in process that needs to be accounted for...after re-reading that line it seems a bit snarky, but in all honestly it's just my type of humor which you may, or may not, have learned to detect by now). so, we take a break and start leaning against some random car when all of a sudden she starts bugging me to go up the block and try and find them. now, we're in a different country, we're intoxicated, she's a girl, it's late...i'm not really feeling the whole leave her alone while i go up the street idea, so while i try and be polite and just say 'no' i'm flat out thinking 'you fuckin' crazy girl?'...but, as with all women, she keeps nagging me and telling me over, and over, and over again that it's just right up the street...and so, in my stupid drunkenness i reluctantly agreed.

now, i concur (i find it much more fun to concur than to simply agree) that this was a huge elephant-sized mistake, and had i not been intoxicated i probably (i like using italics) wouldn't have left, but, in my defense, after 5 minutes of listening to her saying over, and over, and over again, to just go up the street and check, i pretty much just wanted to make her happy, so i caved, and up the street i went where lo-and-behold, i saw the other two and explained to them that we should all stay together 'cause if we somehow managed to get lost we'd have no way of getting in touch with each other (cellphones don't work in good ol' canadia). they agree, and so we start to head back...that's when i see that suddenly there are two random guys who are harassing my friend while she's leaning against the car.

so, like anybody would do, i go and grab her hand and say 'c'mon, lets go'. so now, there are these two guys whose egos must've just been busted and are now starting to talk shit, there's my boy whose balls have just been challenged and who's starting to take offense, and there's me, a tired and extremely non-confrontational guy (except for when i'm on the ice with a stick in my hand, then i can be an angry, nasty s.o.b.) who just wants to go back to the hotel, sip on some good ol' pinot grigio, and let my buzz slowly fade away. next thing i know, jackets are coming off, saliva seems to be omnipresent, i try to keep my boy from doing anything stupid and unnecessary when suddenly one of the guys gets in my face...next thing i know, his gargantuan head collides directly with my face, and as cliche as it sounds, the rest is all a blur.

and so, I've rung in the new year (the year of 24, as previously mentioned) having busted not only my nose (which i'm having surgery to have realigned today), but my fist-a-cuffs cherry as well.

so, despite what some may say, chivalry is not dead, just a little bruised with a broken nose right now.

quote of the weekend

2005-01-08T22:34:00.000-05:00

as seen at digital fishwrap:
"If you havent been skinny dipping, you should try it. And if you have, you know.
Its like sex. How do you describe sex to someone who hasnt done it? Swimming with a bathing suit on is like masturbation. It feels good, no question. But it cant adequately prepare you for the feeling of going all the way."

i'll be out of commission for a little while, on monday i'll be having surgery to correct the placement of my nose which was broken at the time i acquired my sexy battle scars...here's wishing everyone happy blogging while i'm away

we can all do our part

2005-01-06T11:05:00.000-05:00

on or around september 15th, 2001, i found myself unable to watch tv any longer. the constant images of the mass destruction that our country endured was too overwhelming for me. i personally found it easier to mourn without having a visual reminder shown to me every 5 minutes from every network.

in the aftermath of the tsunami i found myself in this similar position.

sometimes we find it easier to deal by simply distancing ourselves from that which is causing grief. but while doing so we must not forget that those that were affected are our fellow inhabitants on this planet and they are in need of help.

we're so far removed from the devastation and destruction that we might find it easy to forget. but the fact is over 150,000 innocent lives, mostly children, were lost. and all this due to something as random as the weather.

after 9/11 many countries came to our aid. people around the globe extended their support and gave donations to help the families that were coping with a loss. i feel it is now our time to return the helping hand that was given to us at that time.

i would like to strongly urge you to make any kind of monetary donation possible to the relief effort in southeast asia. please do not forget that we are all one of the same.

you can make donations here.

i did not fall off

2005-01-05T14:41:00.000-05:00

i'm sure some may have thought that i was just like many new bloggers, i would post for about all of a week because it was what all the cool kids were doing, and then fall off the face of the earth...sorry to disappoint. actually, i have quite a lot that i would like to write about but my horrible, wretched, pathetic laptop had to be sent in to be repaired for the 4th time this year, and our pc at home is as slow as the tortouis (minus all the cool tricks)...

hope everyone had a great holiday and new years. mine was quite the fun time for the most part. while some may say that this is the year of 05 i'm adamant in my belief that this shall forever be known to me as the year of 24, as in the number of stitches that i had to get because of a post new years eve fracas outside of the club my friends and i visited in toronto that left me bloodied in three areas and with a broken nose (still yet to be fixed by an ent (and i don't mean the cool trees in lord of the rings, although that would be quite cool)).

more on that to come...

the end of the world as we know it???

2004-12-27T12:27:00.000-05:00

call me a hypochondriac if you like but ever since a few years ago i've been convinced that i was going to die at an early age in an unexpected fashion, perhaps a car accident, maybe a plane crash, maybe i'd sit on a mound of fire ants and die from thousands of little bites...or perhaps, my death won’t be as early as I thought it would be and would occur in the year 2029 at the ripe old age of 45…and maybe it wont be unexpected at all, maybe it’ll be something that the whole world will brace for…maybe we’ll be victims of a colossal meteor crash (usa today) the likes only imagined by the creators of armageddon

could it be possible that we'll be to the (insert number here) century what dinosaurs were to the 20th century???

will some type of living organism find bones from our skeletons hundreds (if not thousands) of years from now and be as perplexed with us as we were upon first discovery of fossils???

i guess only time will tell

respect

2004-12-25T15:25:00.000-05:00

i'm loving how even the networks dont take our current president seriously (found here)

happy christmakkuhwanza

2004-12-25T02:33:00.000-05:00

hello all...i would like to wish everyone a very happy christmakkuhwanza, and for those who do not celebrate any of the three i wish you a happy holidays...be sure to check in later this week as i will discuss a problem of mine that i would love to receive advice on...but for now, enjoy, and i hope you all are having a good time feasting!

great expectations?

2004-12-23T22:45:00.001-05:00

i suppose this is the point where i exclaim with glee 'hello world!' sorry to disappoint. i am a crossover blogger, after having read a few blogs for quite a while now, tequila mockingbird in particular, i've become inspired to begin one of my own. i have no expectations of my blog, i don't really expect to gain any visitors although i would like to say hello to those of you who have graced me with your presence. so, until i have more to say, adieu, and happy holidays!