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Wednesday, March 02, 2005
it's like an aids test, what's the result?
surely it shouldn't take this long. i mean, they said three weeks, but they don't really mean three weeks. they just say that the same way people always say 4-6 weeks for delivery. it never takes that long but they just want to cover their ass for the odd exceptions.

so there must be something wrong, i mean, this can't possibly be good news. if it were good news why would they want to wait, they'd want to tell me right away if it was good news. after all, who would want to put off happiness for those that are going crazy? nobody would want to do that, so this must be bad news then, either that or they're trying to be assholes. but they already are assholes, so they wouldn't need to try. yeah, this must be bad news.

i knew it. i knew it didn't go well. i knew i wasn't ready. i dunno why i even bothered. i don't know why i even want to go this path. it's something that i've always told myself that i want to do. but do i really? i'm infatuated with the concept, but do i really want to do this for the rest of my life?

come on, it's been two weeks just let me know already. i can't stand the waiting, the waiting's the hardest part. it's the time when you just sit here and go crazy thinking random things like "if i hadn't gone out that one night i wouldn't be in this position, they wouldn't have made me wait. damn, why'd i go out that night? it wasn't even that great."

i knew i was gonna do bad. man, this sucks. now i just have to sit here and wait to get news that's gonna be bad. damn, i could've done more. i could've easily done more. why the fuck didn't i do more?

it was probably those first 5 minutes that killed me. i wasn't prepared for those first 5 minutes. i didn't experience that with the sat's. why didn't they tell me how to cope with those first 5 minutes? stupid princeton review, they didn't tell me that when the proctor said "begin" my body would shoot up 20 degrees. they didn't tell me that i'd feel like i couldn't breathe, that i'd feel like i needed to throw up. they didn't tell me that suddenly i would be overcome with thoughts of "this is the most important test i'll ever have to take." no, they didn't prepare me for that. why didn't they tell me about those first 5 minutes?

i should tell them that they owe me something for neglecting to mention those 5 oh-so-important minutes. well, i guess after i tell them the bad score that i'm bound to get since it's taking so long they'll give me a free review if i decide to take it again. after all they do have that guarantee.

or maybe if i could've slept that night before i would've been more relaxed. i was feeling kind of tense. but i probably should've just stuck to the poptarts that morning instead of the mcdonald's. that hash brown was really making my mouth dry. i was so stupid, i should've known not to fuck with my routine. if there's one person who lives off of routine it's me. i need me routine. i knew i shouldn't have listened when they told me to have breakfast that morning. i never eat breakfast. i was so stupid to start then. stupid, stupid, stupid.

wow. i can't believe they're really taking this long. i mean how hard is it to put a sheet through a scantron machine. it only takes like 5 seconds. yeah, this can't be a good sign. dammit, why the fuck didn't i know about those 5 minutes, that could've cost me 3 points.

it's the most important test i've ever had to take and unlike an aids test i want it to be positive.

just gimme the damn score already!
my philosophy...

like a phoenix we burn
ourselves all our lives hoping
that the ashes will give birth
to a new us... but all that's left
in the end is nothing.

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