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Thursday, March 31, 2005
alive in london
hola, oops, wrong language. g'day mates!

well, i'm still alive, albeit a bit tired still. i don't really have time for a long, elaborate post today. but, i will say, god damn it rains a lot here. seriously, like, i thought it was all hype. NOPE! i get out of the plane and what's the first thing i'm greeted with? no not a lei, RAIN! right on my head too. i'm starving to see the sun, and for a steady stream of water.

still can't believe i'm here, maybe when i do something touristy like go to see big ben it'll really hit home.

well, cheerio!
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
london calling
today is the day. in a few hours i will be aboard a plane on my way extremely far west to travel from my good ol' jerz to london. in the following ten weeks i shall bore you to the point where you realize that this is not a blog you should spend time reading with posts talking all about my trip. if you find that this is not your cup of tea (haha, one lump or two?) then by all means i wish you a safe journey on your way to another url (personally i don't think that's as cool a trip as mine).

so, i shall probably not be posting for a few days while i get settled in. and in case i never post again ever then you can safely assume that i must have been trampled by a mad cow (c'mon, that was funny).

i will be taking many pictures and will provide a link for the few of you who might like to see them. so until later, cheerio mate! (yeah, i think i'll fit right in, they'll never be able to tell i'm an american)
Monday, March 28, 2005
quote of the weekend
insomnia has struck yet again in the land of my bed. well, i guess that's not entirely true. see, i was packing. but i finished that like two hours ago. so, insomnia has partially struck. this past weekend was my last weekend here in the US until the middle of june since on tuesday i will be venturing east (or really far west if that's how you wanna look at it) to the isle of brits, the land of bad teeth, the dogs bullocks...for those of you who cannot decipher that i'll give you a hint...it's england. in honor of this being my last weekend, in addition to my parents 27th anniversary (who says marriages don't last?) my cousins came down to visit. i would post pictures but none of them know about this blog and i wouldn't feel comfortable posting them without their consent, so instead i will leave you with a quote that none of you will probably find funny, but one that literally (seriously, no lie) caused beer (blech, me no like) to go from my mouth, up my nose, and then out, all the while laughing hysterically (after choking and coughing for a bit).

ms: dude, i would totally pimp you to an old man with a peg leg for a taco bell nacho bell grande right now.

ak: (after wiping my nose) c'mon man, you kidding me? i'm worth at least a 10 pack.
Friday, March 25, 2005
speaking of change
well, while we're on the topic of change i think i should tell you about the most drastic change i've had to overcome this past week. due to my imminent departure i've had to embark on many a journey to the mall to fulfill my requirement of taking more than 5 pairs of jeans with me. one such pair that i picked up has completely thrown my entire routine and system out of whack. for the first time in my 2o years of existence, i'm wearing a pair of jeans that has buttons instead of a zipper.

now, returning these troublesome jeans is just not an option. they look too good and are the perfect color (nice dark blue, not dark dark but just dark) and i would never be able to find a suitable replacement. but, i'm sure you can sympathize with my frustrations of going to a public bathroom and looking like a complete and utter fool while taking two minutes after having finished emptying my bladder to try and button the damn thing up. see, the first mistake i made, when going to the public bathroom while wearing my new jeans, was that i used the urinal instead of just going to the stall. had i anticipated the problem i would have trying to button those four buttons i would have been able to avoid being asked "dude, you get your shit caught or something?"
well...this is new
okay, so i've mentioned before that i can get a case of insomnia every now and then. but come on now, it's 4:12 am. this is getting a little bit out of hand. i'm at that stage now where i'm starting to calculate how many hours i'm going to sleep as opposed to how many hours i could've gotten to sleep if had an semblence of being a normal human being.

such a shame that's not the case. looks like i'm only going to get 4 hours.*

*assuming of course that the second i click the 'publish post' button i fall into a trance-like sleep.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
a little bit of everything all wrapped up in a pita
do you know who came to my site the other day? well, neither do i. but, i do (i told you i liked using italics) know that said person goes to my school. how do i know this you ask? (you probably didn't ask that, but we'll assume you did for sake of the post) i knew this because my sitemeter said that someone from drexel visited via pink lemonade diva. so, to anonymous fellow drexel student, i welcome you with hopes that you have not experienced the shaft to the same extent that i have.

-------------------------

i'm a creature of routine and habit. i'm not very fond of change. especially if it's drastic change all at once. i find it a bit overwhelming and it makes me feel like i'm in china, and everythings moving really fast, and i don't know what anyone's saying, and despite my best efforts i just cannot find a wawa that will sell me a coke slurpee. so i've been incredibly shocked at how i've been able to handle things the past few weeks.

in exactly 5 (that's right...FIVE!) days, i'm going to be sitting on a plane en route to a country i've never been to before (england...i was about to write london before i realized that london isn't a country. unfortunatley when i told my co-worker that "my sister is going to tahiti, you know, one of those islands in hawaii" i was not able to hit the backspace button and prevent myself from the pointing and laughing directed at me all at once from all directions*), a country i might add that does not house anyone i know, doing something i've never done before.

i think the reason i have not yet freaked out is because it has still not yet hit me that i'm actually going to be leaving this country and not seeing anyone i know for 10 (TEN!) weeks. i'll probably realize that this is not all one big dream approximately one minute before i order 3 (THREE! i promise i won't do that anymore) screwdrivers from the stewardess (that's right, i said it). luckily for me international flights means free liquor. i can envision my extreme giddyness in my tiny-3-by-0.5-foot-area-airlines-like-to-call-coach just now.

------------------------

i suppose i could pretend like i'm extremely cool and created this entirely new and unique design all by myself, but you all know that i'm soooooo not cool, and that if there's one thing i do, it's give credit when it's due (there was no intention for that to rhyme). so, having said that, i simply must tell everyone that this stunningly dashing new blog design is all the creation of the incredibly talented catherine from flirt in a skirt. cat decided to create a non-profit little business on the side, called blog togs, where she creates, designs, and implements a completely unique design that totally signifies everything that is you. how she is able to do this? i have no idea, and if she tried to explain it'd just put me to sleep, but none-the-less she does and for this cat i say thank you. i love my design and you totally captured what i had pictured in my mind.

* slight exageration...it was really one person pointing and laughing at me while she spun around in circles.**

**okay the circles thing was just a blatant lie. it was really just pointing and laughing. minus the pointing.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
down with the magma
i will now proceed to show you all the supreme levels of my dorkiness. prepare to be taken to depths you have never seen before. oh yes, we're going deep. waaaaaaaaaaaay down to the magma. so put on your rubber shoes internet because it'll be one bumpy ride. yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw

okay, so a neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink...he's sitting there and trying to mack it to the fly lady electrons when a little while later his proton buddies come in and join him. so being the cool nice neutron he is he buys them all drinks and opens up a tab...after many rounds and countless inter-atom flirting the neutron goes up to the bartender and says "hey barkeep, how much i owe you?"

the bartender in his smoothest way replies, "for you neutron, no charge!"
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
quote of the day
recently (i think it was sunday) zach braff was on punk'd. for those of you who've never see the show, it's kind of like a prank show but the pranks are done to celebrities and they're the most well thought out pranks ever. on this recent show, zach braff's porsche was spraypainted by a bunch of little 11 year olds whom he refused to buy beer for. the following was one of his many hilarious lines during his temporary moment of freaking out when a "security officer" is bringing the kid towards him:

zach braff: don't bring him near me, because i don't care if he's five i'm gonna punch him in his fucking face.

after realizing that he was the butt of a hilarious prank he responded:

zach braff: i can't believe i almost beat up a five year old on national television.

i think i'd have pretty much the same reaction if that were my porsche...actually, i think my reaction would be:

ak: holy shit i have a fucking porsche!

on an unrelated (well, not really) note, i wish i could be on punk'd. it looks like it would be much fun.
Monday, March 21, 2005
movies in under a minute
i am sure most have you have already seen the movie titanic. but for those of you who haven't and for those of you who have, here is the movie summed up in less than a minute:

leonardo dicaprio: your social class is stuffy. let's dancy with the ship's rats and have fun.

kate winslet: you have captured my heart. let's run around the ship and giggle.

(major plot twist, the ship sinks!!!)

leonardo dicaprio: never let go

kate winslet: i promise. (lets go)

the end

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and now i shall sum up the movie wild things.

(there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST.)

the end


(then there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST. then there is a PLOT TWIST.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

for more one minute movie summaries visit movie-a-minute.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
weekend quotes
bugs: you shouldn't use the fouton rod as a pillow, it'll give you
cervical problems.

me: umm, hate to break it to you bugs but guys generally do not have a cervix.

bugs: your cervical spine fool.

me: oh...well then...there we are.

pigs: it's ok ak, i was thinking the exact same thing.
Friday, March 18, 2005
UNDER CONSTRUCTION
hello all, please bare with me as i'm in the process of having some things changed.

thanks.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
hello all
so i get into my work and, like always, i don't really have much to do, so i go on-line and start snooping through my bloglines, checking out the new dilbert and dog eat doug cartoons...eventually i make my way over to my sitemeter so as to see if anyone i know's been checking it out or anything when all of a sudden i notice that in the 9 hours that has passed today i've already gotten as many hits as i do during a full day.

so i start clicking through the users to see where they're all coming from and i notice that most of them are from good ol'
anna's diary (apparently she linked me in her post today, but most of you already know that...thanks anna, hope you're today has been better than your yesterday)...

so i thought i'd just say hi to anyone who's stopping by to check out the guy who sent the 'baby beyonce' video...if anyone would like to see it just leave a comment with your e-mail address and i'll shoot it over when i get home

feel free to snoop through, maybe you'll find something interesting (you probably wont though)...thanks for stopping by and don't forget to check out some other fine blogs listed in my blogroll.

oh, and i almost forgot (actually i did and now i'm updating this post)...TOP OF THE MORNIN' TO YA!

HAPPY SAINT PATTY'S DAY!!!
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
who?
i dare you not to laugh...try, but i bet you wont be able to. you can find the original copy here.

(A CUSTOMER steps up to a video-store counter with a stack of videos.)

CASHIER: Hi. Did you find everything you wanted?

CUSTOMER: (Handing over membership card.) Yes, thanks. (Pause.) When is this one due back?

CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: Yeah, when's it due back?

CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: Yes. The Day After Tomorrow.

CASHIER: Right.

CUSTOMER: Right. When's it due back?

CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: I mean the movie. The Day After Tomorrow. When is it due?

CASHIER: Oh! I get it. That's funny. You thought I meant—right, OK. It's due the day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: The Day After Tomorrow is due the day after tomorrow?

CASHIER: Exactly.

CUSTOMER: And Before Sunset?

CASHIER: Anytime before 10.

CUSTOMER: Is it the same as The Day After Tomorrow?

CASHIER: We close the same time every day. Ten o'clock.

CUSTOMER: But what day is the video due?

CASHIER: The Day After Tomorrow?

CUSTOMER: Why are you asking me?

CASHIER: The Day After Tomorrow is due the day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: I know, but what about Before Sunset?

CASHIER: Anytime before closing.

CUSTOMER: But what day?

CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: Before Sunset?

CASHIER: You can bring it then if you want to, but we're open till 10.

CUSTOMER: The movie! Before Sunset. When is Before Sunset due?

CASHIER: Oh! We did it again, didn't we? Isn't that just like that ... what's that sketch called? Anyway. Sorry. Before Sunset is due the day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: Thank you. (Pause.) Is that the same for the others?

CASHIER: You're not renting The Others.

CUSTOMER: Why not?

CASHIER: I don't know. You can if you want to.

CUSTOMER: Well, I would like to rent the others, please.

CASHIER: I'll check the computer.

CUSTOMER: For what?

CASHIER: The Others.

CUSTOMER: What's in front of you?

CASHIER: (Looking through stack.) Well, we have The Day After Tomorrow and Before Sunset. Then Seven, After Hours, 48 Hours, Ten, and Before Sunrise. Hey, that's funny, "before sunrise"—we could have gotten confused about that too, huh?

CUSTOMER: Yeah. Could you ring them up, please?

CASHIER: So you don't want The Others?

CUSTOMER: I want all of them.

CASHIER: But not The Others?

CUSTOMER: I want everything sitting right there in front of you.

CASHIER: OK, I'll ring them up. (Pause.) I'm sorry, but your account limits you to six rentals.

CUSTOMER: Oh, OK, I won't rent Ten.

CASHIER: Excuse me?

CUSTOMER: Get rid of Ten.

CASHIER: You have seven here.

CUSTOMER: I still want to rent Seven.

CASHIER: You're not allowed to.

CUSTOMER: Why can't I rent Seven?

CASHIER: Because it's over the limit.

CUSTOMER: Right, but I want Seven. Get rid of Ten.

CASHIER: (Pause.) That would leave negative three.

CUSTOMER: Excuse me?

CASHIER: You know what? We'll just let it slide this time.

CUSTOMER: Thank you. (Pause.) Is that one due back the day after tomorrow, too?

CASHIER: Yes, you have 48 hours.

CUSTOMER: But is it due with the others?

CASHIER: You don't have The Others.

CUSTOMER: What did you just ring up?

CASHIER: You want me to read these to you again?

CUSTOMER: No, just tell me when they're due.

CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: But what about the others?

CASHIER: You don't have The Others.

CUSTOMER: Is 48 Hours due the day after tomorrow?

CASHIER: Yes, by 10 o'clock.

CUSTOMER: Is Ten due the day after tomorrow?

CASHIER: Yes, by 10 o'clock.

CUSTOMER: What about After Hours?

CASHIER: There's a late fee.

CUSTOMER: For what?

CASHIER: If you return after hours.

CUSTOMER: The day after tomorrow?

CASHIER: All of them.

CUSTOMER: So it's due the day after tomorrow?

CASHIER: By 10.

CUSTOMER: What about Seven?

CASHIER: You can bring it then if you want to, but we're open till 10.

CUSTOMER: The movie! The movie! When is the movie Seven due?

CASHIER: (Holding up each video one at a time.) Seven is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. The Day After Tomorrow is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. Before Sunset is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. 48 Hours is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. After Hours is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. And Ten is due at 10 the day after tomorrow

CUSTOMER: Thank you! (Noticing the last video after a long pause.) But what about Before Sunrise?

CASHIER: (Pause.) We're not open before sunrise.

(CUSTOMER gives up and walks out.)


were you able to do it??? yeah, i didn't think so.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005
in the ides of the beholder
this really has absolutely nothing to do with the title...in fact, there isn't really much that will be written...but my attempt to be witty came up with the above title (i told you i'm a dork) and i would have kicked myself if i did not make good use of it seeing as how today is the ides of march (i've said it four times already today).

so, since i do not have much to say, i shall leave you with a quote that made arizona ice tea exit my mouth and go all over my comforter.*

"when i die i want to be cremated. i want you to take my ashes and mix them with the ink that the government uses to print money. yes. and then i'd be everywhere" - skipper (ray romano) - "eulogy"

*i bear no reponsibility for any dry cleaning that might be necessary
Monday, March 14, 2005
i am the almighty
HA! they can't handle my wrath and fury.

they (fox) folded like a deck of cards.

after less than a week of boycotting american idol they've given in to my demands.
nikko smith is back in the competition!

i officially end my incredibly effective boycott. see, this just shows that nobody should doubt me and my power. muahahahehelolLOL...(you have all just been introduced to my eeeeeeeeeeeeevil laugh, you should feel honored)
Thursday, March 10, 2005
popularity contest
you know, for once i got all involved in something and it came back to bite me in the ass. i actually watched american idol this year, and from the beginning too. so i became attached to a couple of the performers, people who i wanted and thought deserved to win. nikko smith was one of them. today they eliminated him and replaced him instead with a whack rocker who has no vocal talent name constantine. and in addition to that, they eliminated my cute, pretty amanda. now she probably should have been eliminated, but still, she's hot peoples, they could have atleast let us look at her for a couple more weeks.

but
nikko should have made it and in my opinion he should have won the whole competition. in response to this injustice i feel that it is necessary that i boycott american idol for the rest of the season. but i must say this, either anwar, mario, nadia, or vonzell better win this "competition." otherwise, this is some BIG bullshit!
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
a tale of two irks
numbero uno:
if you are anywhere and you are on an escalator, have the common decency to follow the escalator ettiquette. oh yes, there is an escalator ettiquette, and it's very simple too, only four words. STAND RIGHT, WALK LEFT. see how easy that is. there's no real excuse for not following ettiquette that's only four words b/c i don't particularly care that you and your boyfriend cant bear to release e/o from your vulcan like grips for one minute. if you feel your body will shrivel up like a rasin without constant contact with one another then stand in front of eachother and hold hands, NOT SIDE BY SIDE! especially not in nyc, it's just bad manners and rude. so accept this as my warning, b/c next time i will have to bring myself to jerk-like status and appropriately brush by you and your act of rudeness to others who would like to get where they're going.

y dos:
i just started watching american idol this year, and is it just me or is it totally unfair that they're eliminating the boys and the girls seperately. it seems to me like out of the two performances (monday and yesterday) there are probably only 1 or 2 guys who i think arent't all that great and maybe 3 or 4 girls who actually are (not including amanda the hot latina whose incredible hotness would have me voting for her every week if i actually did that sort of thing).
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
random quotes
today has been very odd. when i awoke this morning i was not greeted by the fresh smell of coffee or the sunshine hitting my face as some people may experience. no, when i woke this morning my mind kept playing random quotes from "kindergarten cop" on repeat. i know, it's extremely random. who wants to wake up to "i'm a cop you idiot" or "who is your daddy, and what does he do?".

i've tried to exorcise these daemon-like quotes from my head, but 5 minutes later there it is again "i'm detective john kimble."

it's like a bad song that you can't stop yourself from humming all. day. long.

maybe i should go listen to "mmmmm bop", surely that can't be as bad as this.

*update*
i retract that statement. i was wrong. it's much worse
Friday, March 04, 2005
it's like an aids test, what's the result? part deux...
POSI-FUCKING-TIVE!

90th percentile baby...i'm exuberant, elated, and soon to be inebriated!!!

march is turning out to be one dandy month with some great bookends. great score at the beginning of the month and ooo-rope-ay (europe) at the end!
HIRING: NEW POSITION AVAILABLE

WANTED: an 8:00 am wake up call that will not get off the phone with me until they hear the shower running.

  • applicant must be tough and steadfast in their refusal to accept failure.
  • applicant must be willing to put up with employers (me) bitching and whining about being tired.
  • applicant must be thick skinned and not take offense when i repeatedly hang up the phone in an attempt to catch more z's

applicant will be working for the sheer satisfaction of knowing that they've helped another human being wake up on-time and not get to work late again. if compensation is necessary then you will be please to know that in return you will be receiving a "fuck you. stop calling. let me sleep!" response many times.

so, any takers?

Wednesday, March 02, 2005
it's like an aids test, what's the result?
surely it shouldn't take this long. i mean, they said three weeks, but they don't really mean three weeks. they just say that the same way people always say 4-6 weeks for delivery. it never takes that long but they just want to cover their ass for the odd exceptions.

so there must be something wrong, i mean, this can't possibly be good news. if it were good news why would they want to wait, they'd want to tell me right away if it was good news. after all, who would want to put off happiness for those that are going crazy? nobody would want to do that, so this must be bad news then, either that or they're trying to be assholes. but they already are assholes, so they wouldn't need to try. yeah, this must be bad news.

i knew it. i knew it didn't go well. i knew i wasn't ready. i dunno why i even bothered. i don't know why i even want to go this path. it's something that i've always told myself that i want to do. but do i really? i'm infatuated with the concept, but do i really want to do this for the rest of my life?

come on, it's been two weeks just let me know already. i can't stand the waiting, the waiting's the hardest part. it's the time when you just sit here and go crazy thinking random things like "if i hadn't gone out that one night i wouldn't be in this position, they wouldn't have made me wait. damn, why'd i go out that night? it wasn't even that great."

i knew i was gonna do bad. man, this sucks. now i just have to sit here and wait to get news that's gonna be bad. damn, i could've done more. i could've easily done more. why the fuck didn't i do more?

it was probably those first 5 minutes that killed me. i wasn't prepared for those first 5 minutes. i didn't experience that with the sat's. why didn't they tell me how to cope with those first 5 minutes? stupid princeton review, they didn't tell me that when the proctor said "begin" my body would shoot up 20 degrees. they didn't tell me that i'd feel like i couldn't breathe, that i'd feel like i needed to throw up. they didn't tell me that suddenly i would be overcome with thoughts of "this is the most important test i'll ever have to take." no, they didn't prepare me for that. why didn't they tell me about those first 5 minutes?

i should tell them that they owe me something for neglecting to mention those 5 oh-so-important minutes. well, i guess after i tell them the bad score that i'm bound to get since it's taking so long they'll give me a free review if i decide to take it again. after all they do have that guarantee.

or maybe if i could've slept that night before i would've been more relaxed. i was feeling kind of tense. but i probably should've just stuck to the poptarts that morning instead of the mcdonald's. that hash brown was really making my mouth dry. i was so stupid, i should've known not to fuck with my routine. if there's one person who lives off of routine it's me. i need me routine. i knew i shouldn't have listened when they told me to have breakfast that morning. i never eat breakfast. i was so stupid to start then. stupid, stupid, stupid.

wow. i can't believe they're really taking this long. i mean how hard is it to put a sheet through a scantron machine. it only takes like 5 seconds. yeah, this can't be a good sign. dammit, why the fuck didn't i know about those 5 minutes, that could've cost me 3 points.

it's the most important test i've ever had to take and unlike an aids test i want it to be positive.

just gimme the damn score already!
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
yeah, OKAY
i'm gettin kinda sick of hearing people continue to talk and say that chris rock went over the line with his joke about jude law. c'mon now people, gimme a break. if that were johnny carson, or jay leno making that joke you would have never seen sean penn go up their and give his little speech. nobody would have thought anything of it. but because it was chris rock who said it now it's all "controversial".

get your head out of your asses. he was a great host and the major mistake of the night was not having him on stage more.


and now, on something totally unrelated, FOUR WEEKS until chaoticphoenixak (can't forget about the ak) features posts from LONDON BABY!!!
my philosophy...

like a phoenix we burn
ourselves all our lives hoping
that the ashes will give birth
to a new us... but all that's left
in the end is nothing.


i have a penchant for nicknames

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