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Thursday, February 24, 2005
if there is a god, he's fucking with me
yesterday was a busy day, or at least was supposed to be a busy day. there were many things that needed to get done, things that were imperative, things that for the good of god (who decided to fuck with me) must get done that day, and that day only. you see i'm smart, and i knew that i would never again commit myself to having to do it all over again, so yesterday was the day to get it all done.

my 'to do' list was filled with the tedious tasks of: going to commerce bank to cash my ginormous bowl of change, getting ink from staples, picking up free travel guides from aaa, and dropping off my dry cleaning.

god decided to start fucking with me early yesterday. he began by making me forget to bring my ginormous bag of change with me to work. and no, i did not forget the ginormous bag of change, i would never forget that. not on a day like yesterday when there were many important and imperative things to get done. i would never forget it on my own, it was god who made me forget it. and so, when i finished my hell day of doing essentially nothing, i headed back across the street to my house to pick up my ginormous bag of change. knowing that the dry-cleaners closes at 7 and the bank closes at 6 i figure it would be a good thing to go to the bank first, after all, it was 20 minutes away. so i go my normal route that i always take, got to the fire station and made my normal left turn before the bridge, but unlike other times when i would continue to actually move after making the turn, i was forced to come to a halt. why? because yesterday, my busy important day, was apparently the day that everyone decided they needed to get into their cars and drive. but not just drive anywhere, they needed to drive the route that i was supposed to take. so i do what any normal, sane person would have done, i pull a uie (you-eeeeeeee) and go a different way, which happened to be a longer way. but i eventually get to the bank, just in time to discover that hey, commerce bank closes at 5 unlike everything that my entire family has been telling me for the last...three...years!

so off i went, a bit annoyed might i add, to staples to get my one item. now staples apparently has not discovered the concept of having more than one cash register open for an entire store. no, see that would make too much sense, and c'mon, a store named staples that sells office products usually marketed towards adults has no need to ever make sense or do anything rational. so i pick up my ONE item and get right in line, still holding my ONE item, behind a woman who apparently decided that she needed to not only buy one of every single item in the store, but also RETURN one of every item in the store. so i do what any person would do, i stand there and grit my teeth while uttering the most vulgar comments in my head to this woman who turns around and recognizes that i am holding only ONE item and ONLY one item. after literally 15 minutes, no seriously i was keeping track with my cell phone, a register on the other side of the store opened and me and the guy behind me decided to go there. had it been a person with 5 or 10 items i probably wouldn't have but this guy was like me, a brother if you will, and also had ONE item. however, i am obviously very dumb, because it was extremely foolish of me to think that it would take him only 2 or 3 minutes to actually purchase this ONE item. i was dumb not to realize that it would take him 10 minutes to actually buy the item (note: the other woman actually finished before my 'brother'). after uttering the same vulgar comments as i did the other woman in my head, and after the 10 minutes passed, i dropped my ONE item and credit card on the counter, paid for said item, and left the store.

now aaa was only 5 stores down so i figured i'd just walk there instead of going to get the car, and driving, and finding parking, and getting out, and walking again. so i get to aaa and open, or rather, try to open the door, but it won't budge. so i try again, and again, and yet still it won't open. so finally i look to see what time it closes and see that it closes at 6. so i pull out my cell phone and see that it's literally 6:01. seriously, no joke, 6:0 fucking 1. so, once again, i do what anyone would do, i knock on the window to the guy who's been looking at me the whole time only to see him pick up his hand, the hand that had his watch on it, and point to said watch while shrugging his shoulders in the most obnoxious manner. so, in my 'will not be denied' state, i open my phone and call the store. he see's me calling, he see's the phone ringing, he see's me hearing the phone ringing both in the earpiece and through the glass, and yet again picks up his hand, the hand that had his watch on it, and point to said watch while shrugging his shoulders in the most obnoxious manner. so, yet again, i do what anyone would do, and i pick up my hand, and show him my finger (which finger shall remain a mystery).

so, uttering the most vulgar things, this time out loud, i head back to my car and get onto route 1 to go to the dry cleaners. ahh but see, i forgot, god had been against me all day, why would he decide to make my life any easier now? he wouldn't do that, no, he wouldn't be happy until my whole day was fucked. so it was only natural that route 1 would be completely backed up and i would not get to the dry cleaners until after 7 when it was closed.

so basically, if there is a god, he's fucking with me. i mean, it's the only logical conclusion that there is.

to further prove my point, this morning i dropped my only winter jacket off at the dry cleaners and lo-and-behold, it's snowing outside.

oh he's definitely fucking with me.
my philosophy...

like a phoenix we burn
ourselves all our lives hoping
that the ashes will give birth
to a new us... but all that's left
in the end is nothing.


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